恋愛観。

自らの恋愛観について語ろうと思う。(RikiObeもブログに同じようなことを書いていた)

私は最近別に彼氏が欲しいという気持ちは特にない。友達といるのが一番楽しいし幸せであるからだ。電車内でカップルの会話をよく耳にするが、会話のレベルと声が幼稚園レベルである。恐ろしいのは、女が高い、甘ったるい声でアホみたいにゆっくりと喋ってる光景である。そしてそれより恐ろしいのはそれを可愛いと思う男どもである。いやまじでcringe、無理すぎてしまったのである。そのようなカップルには絶対になりたくはない。自分を偽ってまでそんな好きになってもらいたいと思わない。男の可愛い所有物ではなく個として、一人の人間として接して欲しい。私は女ぽくないのであろうか。特に日本では女性はこうあるべきだという考えが強いと思う。いつも綺麗にお化粧してお洒落しているのが普通で、そうではない人は女じゃないというレッテルを貼られる。可愛くロリータのようにしていなければいけないのか。日本人の男は皆幼児性愛者なのか?キモいぞ?

私はもしも彼氏ができるならば、その人と色々なことを対等に喋りたいし、面白いこと言い合って笑い合いたい。性格が最優先である。

イケメンは実はそんな好きではない。イケメンは自らのイケメンさを充分理解しており、自らの需要も理解している。あまり信用できない。全く魅力を感じない。綺麗だなとは思うが、付き合いたい、自分の秘密を共有したいとかは全く思えない。イケメンは人の痛みをそれほど分かってない気がするという偏見を私は抱いている。

一緒にいて楽しくてずっと一緒にいたいなって思う人がいい。

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a big loss

Today I went to my friend's funeral.

He had been in coma for two months prior to his death, and on 4th of December, his life ended at 20. Since I knew about his vegetative state, when I was informed of his death, I was not as surprised as I would have been if it was a sudden one. But still, it hit me pretty hard. 

Let me explain a bit about him. I met him in a circle of 国際政治経済学科, and thanks to his communicative nature, I got to become quite close to him. We went drinking a couple of times with friends and talked a lot. He is without a doubt one of the kindest, most genuine, and fair people I've had a pleasure of meeting in my life. He never judged people based on their appearace, social status, race, age, gender, creed, anything. He saw people as who they were on the inside without discriminating. I had never met anyone like him. He was what I aspired to be. He had no jealousy, hatred, shame, no bad feelings. He always listened to my broken Japanese and commented on my most boring and senseless stories with such ardor. He always texted me back even when I sometimes ignored his texts and always comforted me when I was down. He messaged me when I was having a health issue and was not really showing up to school. And luckily or unluckily, he was like that to everyone. He had the biggest heart. Meeting his father, I understood why he was the way he was. He was brought up by parents who love nature and took him to camp, and made him become involved in social activities like boy scout. He knew nothing but love and he believed in it because he felt it everyday.

His death, as real and shocking as it was, did not occurr to me as a real thing. I knew he was dead, but it was just so unreal that I could not accept it. So I did not feel sadness when I knew of his death. I was just plain confused why he did not exist on this Earth anymore, not replying to my texts, not talking to me, why his father was crying when I talked to him on the phone. It just did not seem real. Thus, I did not shed a tear on the way to the funeral and it felt like I was just going to a place to say goodbye to a friend who is on his way to eh..say an exchange program in a foreign country. I felt like I could see him again, when it was clearly impossible. 

Because of his genuine personality, there were a lot of people -some familiar faces- participating in the funeral. He was so hugely admired by many to his father's surprise. They actually made us wait for more than an hour before we got to enter the room where he was laid, so I was actually sleeping while standing before.

And then the queue started to move and I got to the very room, decorated by white flowers. There was a screen showing a video of photos of him throughout the years. Somehow that could not move me to tears. I had no gush of emotions yet.

And then, I stepped farther in the room and the first thing that came to my eyes was him, dead, breathless, pale, restful, comfortable, lying lifeless in a coffin that is too small for someone so tall like him. At first I could not recognize what I was seeing with my eyes. It was this pale, human-like thing with a face familiar to me. Then my mind began to finally understand the fact that he is indeed dead, completely gone from this world. Confusion turned to realization, which turned to despair and disconsolation. A burst of emotions in my heart. A wave of something steamy and hot and sad yet angry but mostly the question of "why" exploded and suddenly my eyes started to water and tears came falling down my face and my mouth went arid. Right side of my head started ringing hard and everything faded. He was there, his face with makeup to hide his bloodlessness and scars he obtained when he was hit by a bus. But his hair looked healthy and glowing, and his body was intact without a single broken bone. He looked as if he was just sleeping and somehow I felt like he would wake up next morning and would talk to me with that cute smile. I found myself tearing through the crowd, running to his coffin, and touching his shoulder tenderly, muttering "you meant so much to me, why are you gone, i love you, please come back" over and over and over. But he was not there anymore.

I don't remember much of what happened later. But I distinctly remember what his father had said. He said, "I think my son has ended his 修行 in this world, and has left a little bit earlier than everyone else to go to a better place and he will enjoy his second life there. He will do whatever he wants to do; he might make the best English speeches, or go hunting, or climb a mountain so tall that you can't see the top of it, or drink a lot of beer, and travel to many beautiful places. I know it sounds crazy. けどそうでも思っておかないとやっていけないんです。" It completely shattered my heart and whatever was left of my heart hurt so much. I always believed there was no God or no afterlife, after death remains a pure darkness. And I always belittled religion saying it was for the weak who need help. But I understood that it is necessary when losing someone who meant so much to you. 

 

Yuho, if you are there and reading this or listening to me, know that you meant the world to me and I dont understand why good people always have to go first while evil people remain alive. You were such an inspiration to me and I do not remember a time when you were not happy. I dont know what to do right now. Just know that you will always be in my heart and I will never say I want to die because you probably wanted to live a little bit more. I wish we could have talked more and I could have gotten to know more about you because you always talked about me and cared for me. I love you with all my broken and soiled heart. Rest in peace. 12 Dec 2017

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ライフチョイスs

久しぶりです!やはり三日坊主になってしまった。コミットできない性格なのだろうか。ただ気分が最近不安定である。死ぬほど明るく、希望に満ちた日もあるが、本当になぜ生きているのかわからない日もある。多分肌の状態に比例している。心身相関も甚だしい。機嫌の悪い日は人に当たってしまう。家族に誠に申し訳ない。

今日、ニュースで犬に噛まれて細菌に感染して死んだ人がいることを知った。もちろん可哀想であり不本意であることは理解する。しかし、自殺したいわけではないがそのようにコロッと死んでしまうことを羨む自分がどこかにいる。犬に噛まれて死ぬなど本望だと言う人も多いだろう。命は大切にとよく言うが、誰がその人の苦痛の責任を取ってくれるのだろうか?

最近とてもイラついていることがある。日本の男性の9割に対してである。特に私の父親と男友達。彼らはテレビなどを見るたびに「この女は見れない」「まじブス」などと女性をなにか物のように扱い、言及する。そして女性が化粧すると厚化粧は嫌だなりすっぴんがいいなり、素が超美人でないと人権がないような言い方をする。誰が他の人をそのように評価する権利があるのだろうか。そして男性らは自分の顔を顧みているのだろうか。自分は人のことをそんな言えるくらい完璧で超イケメンなのだろうか。もちろん綺麗事かもしれない。顔は第一印象的に重要である。しかしこのような社会的な圧は、色んな人の自信を奪い、生きにくくしていると思う。小池さんに対して政策を批判するのではなく厚化粧ババアと言う政治家がそこら中にいる国である。期待するのは無理なのか。私達は男性が大事にしまっておき愛でる所有品ではなく男性と同じような人間であり、同等に扱われるべきだと思う。決して女性が逆に男性をディスっていいと言うわけではない。ICUは割とそれができている気がする。

大学!なぜ私は自分が進みたい道に進んだはずなのにこんな不幸せなんだろう。高校の時の政経の授業が面白くて、もっと学びたいと思い政治経済学部に来た。授業自体は面白いものもあり、楽しい。しかし大学の雰囲気と人間をあまり考慮してなかった。wsdはクソカスウンコだと言っているわけではなく、ただ合わないと言うわけである。マンモス校なので自分から積極的に友達を作らないとできない。引きこもりでコミュ障で社会不適合者の私には到底不可能な技である。まあがちがち日本の大学なので人が全く違う。女性はご想像の通りの女子力の高さで男性は予想通りチャラい。また、帰国生は全くウェルカムではない。英語で喋るとうざがられる。別に日本をディスってはいないのに日本嫌いなら出てけとか言われる。帰国生嫌いって普通に言われる。生きにくい世の中である。春学期にはスペイン語のクラスで同じく帰国生の、ノリのいい仲良い男子がいてとても楽しかった。しかし彼はアメリカの大学に行ってしまった。私は本当に自分の性格に欠陥があるのではないかと思った。まあ実際欠陥だらけなのだろうが、ICUHSにいた頃は受け入れられていた気がする。このままでは自分のことを大嫌いになってしまいそう。you can choose to be the person you want to be と言うが、自分の性格を変えた方がいいのだろうか。わからない。とりあえずICUに行って定期購読者様などと会うと、心がが安らぐ。同時に自分の今の生活と比較してしまい悲しくなる。間違いを犯した感が半端ない。しかしこれから日本の社会で生きていくならば通らなければいけない道である。

最近やる気が出ない!

 

 

eighteen -18

Eighteen. What a glorious age, supposedly filled with youthfulness, beauty, and excitement. It is an age that is somewhere between an adult and a teenager, and an age which you are allowed to have as much fun as you desire. It is the time when you graduate high school, and begin a new university life. A lot of people begin wearing makeups and start paying way more attention to how they appear to others' eyes. Freedom. Liveliness. At least for most people. 

18 is, or was, or will be quite different for me. What may be the best year of many people's lives is what is the worst year of my life. Of course I cannot predict future, and incidents far worse could very well occur. But for now, it is the worst year. I kicked off this year with some dreadful shit, experiencing complete and utter despair that I had never even imagined before. But I had hopes; I had a hope that I will somehow get better than it was, a hope that I will one day be able to return to my normal life with a normal fucking body, without every inch of my skin rebelling against myself. I was hospitalized and got better than before, and almost went back to what I was before. However, just when I thought it was all good, it started attacking me again. Just when I thought it was going well. What a hateful bitch! With a series of breakouts and healing and breaking out and healing again, another kind of despair -different from the despair I had felt when I first caught the disease caught on me.  Before, i somehow knew I would get better, but now, I know it will haunt me again and again until the end of time without healing completely. This fact struck me hard. I felt like I was crippled and I felt slain. Lost. 

It is not my wish to keep nagging about my "struggles" over and over because it gets boring after a while. 

It is undoubtedly unfair and self obsessed to say that every single person on the planet enjoys being eighteen as I have described above, because there are definitely number of people who do not feel as jubilant. There are people who are in a worse situation than I am. I know. I know that what I'm going through is not as great as what some other people are going through. But that does not reduce, or alleviate my pain by any means. Just because someone else is suffering to doesn't mean people shouldn't recognize your suffering. Everyone has their own pain and every pain counts. Comparison would only make one miserable, unworthy and lost. I don't feel like anyone can imagine waking up and being disappointed every day. Sometimes it deprives my will to do anything and I just sit there and do nothing like a sedentary useless couch potato. I know I should work and be active but I just can't gather up the courage to do anything at all. It is probably time I accepted myself for who I am right now, but my cowardice prevents me from doing such. Am I a perfectionist? I probably am.

It brings jealousy and plain pain to see other people and friends enjoying their sweet, precious eighteen days. I'm not condemning all those enjoying. If I hadn't had this, I would probably enjoy being eighteen as other people are doing and probably not even pay attention to what people like me are thinking. Yeah, so maybe one good thing coming out from this is that I now understand or try to understand what people like me are feeling, whatever that means. 

I am complaining about my life and being a drama queen like Taylor Swift all I want, but I think it's up to me to make this better and nobody else. But I've done everything I can and I feel like it's up to Jesus to make me better. Please make me better Jesus!!!! Give me strength!!!!! (Oh god since when am I a Christian??) (and a big fuck you to this blogsite for putting atopy healing methods advertisements. How dare you. You understand me though. Good marketing.)

To sum this whole lamenting and depressed shit up, what imma tryna say is that I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS! OF EVERY NORMAL PERSON! WHY AM I LIKE THIS

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contemplation.

久しぶりのブログ!

最近定期購読者様に会いたいという思いが強くなっている。色々と話したい。こんなに会わなかったことはあるだろうか。悲しい。ラインで話せることは話せるが、やはり会って話すのとは訳が違う。暇な(?)女子大生同士会いましょう。明日定期購読者様達はリトリートらしい。心の底から楽しんで来て欲しい。多分友達も少なからずできるであろう。

大学生活も1ヶ月たち、色々な事があった。一つ思うことがある。人は皆、「今」に辿り着くまでに人生でたくさんのことがあったはずだ。「今」に至るまでどのようなことを経験してきたか知らないのに、勝手に直ぐ人を判断するのは良くないと思う。例えば、「肌荒れている人は魅力がない」とか言う人は本当に多い。しかし、もともとアレルギー性の肌の人もいるし、どんなに努力しても体質でそういう風になってしまう人もいる。今まですごくそのことについて悩んできた人もたくさんいるはず。

あと、「この人まじ根暗」とか「性格悪い」とか。やはり社会的には社交的な人が好まれている。しかし、虐められたり、親から抑圧的な教育を受けたり、否定されながら生きてきて自尊心がない人がたくさんいる。なにかトラウマなことを経験した人もいるはず。

現実的には第一印象は大切だ。しかし私は人を直ぐ判断しないように心がけている。なるべくその人のストーリーを知って、どんなことがあってここまで来たかを理解するようにしたい。

もう一つ思うのは、人を見下さない、自分を卑下しないということだ。人は優越感を感じることが本能的に好きな気がする。気づかないで色々なことや人に優劣をつけて判断している。私もそうだ。自分に自信を持つためにはやはり自分が相対的に優れているのだという考え方をしなければならなかった。これは親が私と兄を常に比較してきたからかもしれない。それか他人よりも一点でも多く取ることで自分の価値を高めるという学校教育の仕方のせいかもしれない。人の個性を尊重して純粋にすごいと思うのではなくて、この人は私より劣っているとかそう言う尺度で人を見てしまっていたような気がする。そしてこれは態度に無意識に表れてしまう。しかし、自分が相対的に「上」にいる間は優越感に浸ってられるが、そのまた上が現れると、劣等感が襲ってくる。自分を卑下し、否定し、虚無感に包まれる。

そりゃ、自分よりすごい人なんて地球上にたくさんいる。自分が何も優れてないと思ってしまう。しかし、他人なんて気にしないで自分の目標に向けて精一杯努力することがベストだと思う。私は、これまで他人と自分を比較ばかりしてきたが、今まで見てきた恵まれない人たちのために何かしたいという漠然とした目標を定めてそれだけを考えてこれから4年間頑張りたい。あの人はわたしより頭いいとか可愛いとか良い大学行ったとか立派な目標持ってるとか全部関係ない。その目標だけじゃなくても、私がどんなに酷くても、祖父母や定期購読者様は無条件に私のことを好きでいてくれると信じているから、他人より優れていなくても大丈夫だと思える。私はこのような人々のような心の拠り所があって幸せである。私も定期購読者様が何をしてもずーっと無条件に好きでいるので、あまり人と比べたりしないで定期購読者様らしく大学生活を送って欲しい。

 

ちっとあの先輩のことなどを話したいと思う。今日あの先輩に1週間ぶりくらいに会った。みんなで駄弁っていとき、すこし不自然に感じた。なぜかあまり喋らない。話しかけてもスルーとか淡白な返事しか来ない。

先輩、前同じサークルの現在2年の女子が好きだったらしい。が、その人に彼氏ができてしまいうやむやになってしまったらしい。しかし今でも先輩とその女子はかなり仲が良く、今日もその女子の家に行くらしい。(??????なんで家行くの、え????) 絶対、先輩はその女子のことをまだ好きである。もはやその女子のことを話している顔を見たらわかる。

ここは退散するしかないだろう。なんか印象が変わってしまった。会わない間に自分で勝手に妄想を膨らませすぎた感がありすぎて恥ずかしい。けどまだ私はその先輩はすごい良い人で魅力的だと思うので様子を見ることにする。

同じ学年に1人、良い人がいることはいる。彼は頭良くて面白い人である。真面目そうだけど割とウェイウェイしている時もある。将来のことをめっちゃ真剣に考えている。

まあとりあえず様子を見てまた報告することにする。

 

 

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keep motivated.

I'm going to write this blog in English today. I am currently writing this on the plane to Fukuoka. No wifi. Shame.

I have been reading newspaper and news online recently in order to obtain information and facts for the English debate circle I belong to. This made me aware of so many issues in the country and around the globe.
I have recently been struggling to be motivated -I could not find good reasons to study or do anything at all. This (stale? stalemate? Inactive, dormant) attitude was probably rooted in the illness I experienced for a long time. This illness unarmed me; stagnated me; immobilized me. This was the moment I realized that the phrase 衣食足りて礼節を知る is so wise.
But now that I am well, I wanted to find an incentive to study or take actions. Then, I remembered how I kept my motivation going back in high school. It was that there are so many people who are not even given the chance to be educated and live in low standards, while I was born into a relatively normal family with the opportunity to be fully educated. This sounds like a cliche, but there is nothing truer or purer than this belief.

When I was in Turkey, I lived in a gated compound whose residents were wealthy and liberal. However, once I step out of the area, there roamed poverty. Living standards of Turkish people are still quite low, and many people work after their primary education is over. I have had a peek at one of their schools once. Two kids crammed into one table, barely listening to their teacher. The disparity between the rich and the poor was immense.
This isn't something that's happening just overseas. In Japan, where the disparity is relatively small, there are growing number of youth suffering from poverty. Many children who were born to a poorer family tend to start working after middle or high school, because they cannot afford to go to "cram school" to get into prestigious university. This is one of the reasons why I didn't go to cram school for my university application.
Although less apparent than normal Japanese people, the children of immigrants in Japan go through the same fate. They are discriminated or cannot fit into Japanese society because of their lack of language skills, and tend to work in a terrific condition with minimum wage. They are important to us not only in contributing to the Japanese economy since the population is decreasing, but also in teaching us what diversity means and why it matters.
It is impossible for me to just give these people money and education. But, I can learn many things, become important in the future, and be involved in making these people's lives better, whether through proposing relevant policies as a government official or working with those people in business. My parents pay so much to get me educated. I must never waste this opportunity and do my best in everything I do because what I am given is special, and not everyone can have it. This is what motivates me to focus on studying and to live the best version of myself everyday. I do think it's important to sometimes play and have fun, but I always try to be conscious about why I am doing what I am doing. This mindset makes me realize so many things I worry about in life are trivial and meaningless compared to the big picture. I am going to learn a lot about politics and economics, no matter how difficult they are, for me to be able to become directly engaged to all the problems the human kind is facing right now.

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